Loving and Living Alzheimer’s

Today went from awesome to awful in a snap. How our evening goes is still pending. We had a good morning.  We slept in, drank coffee in bed, relaxed a bit.  Nette brought him muffins and jam in bed.  He was happy. Nette and I had hair appointments at 10 so his buddy,  Bryan,  came to hang out, Starbucks in hand.  They swam, played bball in the pool and visited with the neighbors, via the friendship bar we have built in our back fence.  He was happy. It was nice to have a relaxing girl hair day but, inevitably, my anxiety started to creep in.  Checked on the boys, all was well.  Randy requested tacos for lunch so, tacos he got.  He was happy. Lunch was nice.  We chatted, ate, laughed.  Still a good day.  I changed into swimwear and headed out back to have a cocktail with our neighbors.  Nette went to nap and Bryan went home.  I thought he was happy.  Then, instantly, things took a turn.  He was not happy...

Every week, I get 1 or 2 nights to myself, as Randy goes to stay with his Dad.   Free nights after work to have drinks with friends, do laundry, go to bed early, whatever my heart desires.  Honestly, watching whatever I want on tv, possibly eating ice cream for dinner (in case you missed my previous blog mentions… I’m a little “fluffy”) and sleeping in the very center of our bed is truly the best part. Pop and YaYa (Randy’s parents) were on vacay for the last 2 weeks so, last night was the first night our weekly schedule resumed.  Randy missed his Dad like crazy and was so happy to see him he was almost in tears. I got his bag all packed, gave him his AM meds and kissed him goodbye yesterday morning as I left for work.  I did not speak to him again all day. Bring on the guilt… ugh!  He was fine.  He is fine.  I know this with every fiber of my being.  I may or may not be a control freak when it comes to his care.   Dilemma… to call or not to ...

 Our week went well.  No meltdowns, no fits.  Just lots (and lots) of sleep and smiles.  Oh, and there were cookies.  He may or may not have eaten 2 dozen of Jeanette’s famous chocolate chip cookies in about 5 days but, whatever. His tribe rallied and got him out of the house a few times this week.  Lunches and a little shopping.  Drag races in Sonoma and axe throwing.  Then 2 days poolside.  Water basketball, splashing the girls and snacks. He is now absolutely exhausted but… he smiles♥️ Times like these provide me the ability to see the blessings in our storm.  We have amazing friends and family.  We are blessed with an army of support.  We could be reclusive and lonesome, which is the typical way of things with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis.  People fear what makes them uncomfortable, which results in avoidance.   Not our people!  They take his excessive calls. Now, let me be clear.. “excessive” takes on a whole ne...

 Every Alzheimer’s journey is different in unique little ways.  For us, Randy tends to transition every 3-4 months, like clockwork.  All Alz patients transition however the cycles can vary from person to person.  Early Onset Alzheimer’s typically moves along faster than Advanced Age Alzheimer’s. We know it’s coming by the severe mood swings and hostility that come out of nowhere.  He is angry for no reason and nothing makes him happy.  He has never been a verbally abusive man so, as you can imagine, there are a lot of hurt feelings when this version of him takes over.  Bring on the “F*** You’s” and “stay away from me’s”.   The caregiver suffers along with the patient, as we try to navigate our “new normal” and find our calm. Generally a phone call to his Doctor is all it takes for a med adjustment, which is all that can be done. Every four months. For the rest of his life.  ***breathe*** New meds take about 2 weeks to kick in.  It can be...

 7:30PM and he’s out like a light.  Watching him sleep gives me peace.  Figuratively and literally. We had a rough week with lots of anger, angst and anxiety.  At every turn, we just couldn’t get it right.  His distress skyrockets my anxiety.. and ya’ll… I’m menopausal!  The last thing my middle-aged, “fluffy” self needs is more Cortisol!   But, I digress… I do my best (and worst) thinking while he sleeps.  I think about “what-if” and worry about what hasn’t happened yet.  Will he suffer?  Will he be scared? Will he be in pain?  Will I lose my mind by keeping him at home until the end, like I promised? I stress about who I will be when he’s gone.  Will I feel guilty because I didn’t do more or better?  Oh, the vicious cycle of it all. Then, I remember, he’s still healthy and able bodied.  He is still my dude.  He still remembers everybody. He still loves to laugh and is the life of the party.  He still helps...

 I hear this a lot. When his frustration takes over and he knows he’s failing, he asks me to let him go.  It breaks me every time. We are 3 years into this journey.  He is amazingly healthy and vibrant.  We literally have years left.  I suspect he is late stage 5, early stage 6.  (Their are 7 stages).   He’s a giant goofball.  Anyone who knows him knows he always has a smile on his face.  He is kind and loving.  He loves being around people and laughing.  He’s a wonderful human♥️ Last night however…”let me go” Why? Because he wants a new iPhone, right now!  Because I didn’t trim the Oleander that grows over the fence.  Because I paid attention to someone other than him.  Today, these are earth shattering issues to him so today, he wants to die.  He wants me to “stay away from him”.  He wants to sleep in the spare room tonight… maybe forever, who knows. How do I navigate through these dark periods when my hus...

I am always trying to understand how his brain works… I find it interesting at times. Last Wednesday we had a bit of excitement.  I got a call at work from Nette (Randy’s cousin Jeanette moved in with us last October) telling me we had a problem.   Stove was on fire and Fire Dept was on the way.  I, of course, panicked, and left work immediately.  30 minute drive home… When FD arrived, they tried to get Randy to answer simple questions.  Name and DOB.  He was stone silent.  Could not even answer these simple things.  Nette had to take over, as I wasn’t home yet. Next day, after work, Randy went with me to pick up his prescriptions.  We may or may not have spoiled him so that he expects a Starbucks, EVERY TIME he goes for a car ride (🤷‍♀️).  In the Starbucks drive thru he suddenly turns to me and tells me his full name.  Living with an Alzheimer’s patient I automatically know, this in is response to being asked this exact info the d...

First blog ever.  Unsure as to whether I can keep anyone interested enough to follow but, hoping to create a therapeutic outlet for myself.   Why blog?  Inspired by a friend who recently and unexpectedly, lost her husband.  She has begun blogging.  My husband doesn’t read her blogs but he is excited to say “hi” when he sees her posts.  She mentioned how she thinks I should blog and here we are.  Thanks Serena❤️ She blogs about her life, loss and moving forward.   I will blog about the loss I already feel but haven’t fully suffered yet.   I will blog about about the good days, the bad days and all that in between. I will blog to purge my soul. I will blog to celebrate him❤️ My hopes are that you will find use in our journey.  Cheers..