Loving and Living Alzheimer’s

What a great time I had.  I have just returned from a wonderful weekend of wine and laughter.  Made so many new friends.  It was perfect! And, most likely, my last.   I was a bit torn…torn between feeling guilty and nervous about leaving Randy yet feeling so much excitement about having a carefree weekend. Fleeting time…After 4 years, we are finally entering the stages I have feared the most. In the span of one week, Randy has lost the ability to do anything without assistance.  ANYTHING. Coherent sentences are 100% gone.  He has begun seeing people who aren’t there, which scares him.  He forgets he has eaten and eats again.  Or…swears he has eaten when he has not.   He has to be told to do most things that should be automatic.  To shower.  To brush his teeth. To dress. To put his pajamas on.   Home is his safe haven.  Boredom consumes him but outings are almost too much.  No matter how badly he wants to get out, he is ready to return home within minutes. How could this happen so quick

I know we have not seen the worst of this ugly disease.  I remind myself of this daily.  “Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy and rough ride”… my mantra. Yet, no amount of prep softens the blow of the next transition. Today he hates me.   I have never seen this amount of rage in him.  I can literally feel the disdain his brain has made reality.   I have never been more broken… Oddly enough, I recognize that this is just a repeat of the last time I felt this damaged by his behavior.  I will be here again, feeling as if it’s never been so horrible.  The tears will dry and the ugly words forgiven. His routine has been altered.  Recent changes are simply too much for him to process.  He blames me. “You know what you are doing” “Stay away from me” “Shut up” All little daggers of shrapnel from his mental wounds.  The only weapons he has at his disposal.  They certainly carry some firepower. Steps have been taken this week to prepare (somewhat prematurely because we don’t know what else to do

Such a strange ebb and flow this week.  Randy is primarily happy however, every moment has potential disaster lurking just beneath the surface.   I follow and participate in 2 support groups on FB.  I’ve read all the posts regarding stage idiosyncratic behaviors but seeing him exude them is startling. Empathy is a lost emotion to him.  I totaled our car last weekend (no injuries other than my pride).  I called him a few minutes after it happened.  He wasn’t concerned or fazed.  No fear.  No anger.  Nothing. He goes from sleeping till noon one day to waking at dawn and not being able to stop for a moment the next.   When he’s manic, he finds so many irrational reasons to be angry.   There are cardboard boxes in the garage I won’t let him pile dirty clothes on our bed Making him brush his teeth Not allowing him to wear the same outfit EVERY DAY I won’t let him change the bottled water jug BEFORE it’s empty I know that deep in his mind, this is about having some sort of control in a world