Loving and Living Alzheimer’s

 Most days, he’s still pretty happy.  He is playful and quite the prankster.  He is easy to giggle and tries to flirt at every opportunity.  Similar to the little boy in class, pulling your ponytail for attention.   He is becoming extremely difficult to converse with, as his sentences are the textbook, word-salad.  He speaks in such a manner that the question is indecipherable.  Frustration is raging as we navigate to my finally understanding.  But, with my clarity comes his victory because he knows his question was valid and the confusion was mine.  He is happy once more. Until his mind wonders “when”? When do I get my drivers license back? **Never When will I be normal again? **Never When will I get to work again? **Never When will I get to stop taking these meds? **Never  When will they give me my brain back? ………! The “when’s” create angst and despair for him.  Almost attached to his subconscious knowledge of the silent “never’s".  He knows he’s different somehow.  He knows he

 We had a good week.  Lots of smiles, lots of naps and lots of Starbucks. Today he is tired and very mellow. Yesterday we laid to rest a dear friend and amazing man!  He did well, as it was a long day.  He was sad for the loss he acknowledged but not emotional, for his ability to empathize comes and goes.  Honestly, he was a bit more focused on my legs and made it known several times!  Not exactly appropriate for the occasion but what are you going to do?   Today he is a little lost. Yesterday, at lunch he held up his butter knife and asked me what it was.  My heart sank.  For a moment I was speechless but simply told him it was a knife but he didn’t need it.  Handed him his fork and showed him what to do with it once I recognized there was still confusion on his face.  No issues after that. Today he couldn’t recall the names of our children and grandchildren when asked.   He knows these things but he doesn’t.  His mind continues to betray him daily and I am bitter.  This man, this won

 I honestly believe one of the cruelest parts of this horrible disease is change.   Change robs what once was and what could have been. I was once a wife and partner.  I am slowly evolving into a caregiver and surrogate mother. Change has taken 16 years of unending love for one man and morphed that love into an entirely different type.  Still unending but different.  Still to the end but.. so vastly different. Change has taken plans of retirement and growing old and exchanged them for here and now because my retirement and aging will not include him. Change has brought loneliness into a world where my partner still resides.  My brain battles my heart over what feels like involuntary betrayal vs survival. However, Change has shown mercy and spared him the knowledge of our metamorphosis.  He is happy and for him, all remains the same.   I am his safe place.  I am his person.  Whether he calls me Baby Doll, Mom or even sometimes, Dad, I am his comfort and normalcy.  For this I am grateful