Change

 I honestly believe one of the cruelest parts of this horrible disease is change.  

Change robs what once was and what could have been.

I was once a wife and partner.  I am slowly evolving into a caregiver and surrogate mother.

Change has taken 16 years of unending love for one man and morphed that love into an entirely different type.  Still unending but different.  Still to the end but.. so vastly different.

Change has taken plans of retirement and growing old and exchanged them for here and now because my retirement and aging will not include him.

Change has brought loneliness into a world where my partner still resides.  My brain battles my heart over what feels like involuntary betrayal vs survival.

However, Change has shown mercy and spared him the knowledge of our metamorphosis.  He is happy and for him, all remains the same.   I am his safe place.  I am his person.  Whether he calls me Baby Doll, Mom or even sometimes, Dad, I am his comfort and normalcy.  For this I am grateful.

While I struggle with our reality, he remains oblivious and blissful.  I promised him happiness and smiles.  I promised this until his last breath.

Change may ravage what we had, change cannot erase the promise.  

Smile on my sweet man…I am here.

Cheers💔





Comments

  1. Nancy C.September 2, 2021 at 9:52 AM

    I have no words to describe the feelings I have right now. You are unbelievable. I hate to think what Randy would be doing without you. You are so courageous. I hope your sharing helps at least a little. I don’t know why but I didn’t see any of your other posts…..just the first one. I do pray he never hurts you physically. Thinking of you……..❤️😢💔

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownSeptember 2, 2021 at 5:50 PM

    You remember me and Charlotte with my Mom going through this. I want to say this to prepare you not to scare you. When it gets very bad and unfortunately it will. He keep really repeated maybe forget how to walk it can go off and on. You will not get sleep at all for months on end. You will loose your temper, patience. But you will grow another deeper love for him too. I don't how to explain it
    My Mom was my Mama. But last year of her life I was her Mama. I still can't talk about it. The world won't wait for you while your life is on hold for him. I don't know how to say what it's will be like except love will keep you going❤

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rainbows and Angels

83 days without him. I'm beginning to travel again.  Traveling to places he loved.  Places he always wanted to go. The guilt has lessened as I purposefully take a moment to picture his face in my mind and silently ask him if he is pleased with my new path.  And, to thank him for taking such good care of me, affording me the ability to live this life. I spent a week in North Carolina with my Daughter, Son-in-Love and two glorious granddaughters (6 and 3/12).   Randy's last visit was over 2 years ago and he was on cloud 9 with his girls.  Thankfully we were able to FaceTime during the final 24 months of his life.  Because of this, his girls knew him.. remember him. In the final moments of Randy's passing, we were experiencing a rainstorm.  As he released his last breath, the rain subsided and the most extraordinary double rainbow appeared over our home.  His message that he was ok.  (FYI...the day we wed it was raining and as we arrived at the church, the rain cleared and gav
Read more

Blooming

4 months and 12 days... Blogging doesn't come easy.  I have plenty to share but struggle to find the relevance to Him... his journey.  How, in such a short period of time has my world become not connected to the "us" that once was? I suppose the answer is healing.  Continuing to live and move on to the next chapter.  The chapter that will be mine to explore, nurture and develop. It is the natural way of things.  We love, we lose and we move on. One day, that twinge of guilt will subside.  We are not designed to remain in a state of sorrow and despair after tragedy strikes.  We are meant to live.  To learn from it. I've read of people in my position who simply cannot work fully through the loss, by no fault of their own. Who never find love again.  Who are so changed by their Alzheimer's journey that while they continue to live, they do so as a party of one. No judgement here.  Rebuilding after such tremendous loss is scary.  It's hard.  It can be sad.  But ...
Read more

“Who Are You?”

It finally happened  As of late , he can’t tell me my name, when asked.   If I ask him if my name is Melissa, he tells me “she’s not here”. When I tell him I’m Melissa, he responds with “cool”. Weirdly, if someone else refers to me by name, he knows who they are speaking of. I’ve begun asking him how we are related.  He just shrugs and smiles.   Am I your Mother? “No, I don’t have one”. (True, Mom passed from this horrible disease in 2001) Am I your Wife?  “No, she’s not here”. We are married.  “That’s awesome!” He has even gone so far as to throw his arm around my shoulder and tell me what a good sister I am.  (He has no sisters) And again, if someone else asks about his Wife, he knows it’s me. This disease fascinates me.. when it’s not destroying everything we had, little by little. Over the weekend, Randy stayed with his Dad and Stepmom. When I arrived to pick him up, he was napping.  So as not to startle him, I softly sat beside him and rubbed his arm.  He opened is eyes and with a
Read more