“Who Are You?”

It finally happened 

As of late , he can’t tell me my name, when asked.  

If I ask him if my name is Melissa, he tells me “she’s not here”.

When I tell him I’m Melissa, he responds with “cool”.

Weirdly, if someone else refers to me by name, he knows who they are speaking of.

I’ve begun asking him how we are related.  He just shrugs and smiles.  

Am I your Mother? “No, I don’t have one”. (True, Mom passed from this horrible disease in 2001)

Am I your Wife?  “No, she’s not here”.

We are married.  “That’s awesome!”

He has even gone so far as to throw his arm around my shoulder and tell me what a good sister I am.  (He has no sisters)

And again, if someone else asks about his Wife, he knows it’s me.

This disease fascinates me.. when it’s not destroying everything we had, little by little.

Over the weekend, Randy stayed with his Dad and Stepmom. When I arrived to pick him up, he was napping.  So as not to startle him, I softly sat beside him and rubbed his arm.  He opened is eyes and with a lopsided grin, 

“Who are you?”

The air was suddenly sucked out of the room.  How could this be happening?  I was momentarily shocked by the disbelief I was experiencing.  I was also very worried his confusion would cause fear.

***my brain…shake it off, divert, breathe***

Have you been waiting for me?  “Ummmm… sure” (smiling)

Would you like to go home with me?  “Ummm…Ok” (BIG smiling)

“Who are you?”

As this disease continues to steal him from me, all of us, I find that I don’t know this version of him.

A little more, each day, his eyes seem hollow.  He is less verbal, giving me monotone, one line responses.  He asks permission to leave the room, to use the restroom, to go outside.  

I’ve had to spoon feed him his dinner when he’s forgotten how to use his spoon.  I have to buckle his seatbelt, brush his teeth, dress him and so much more.

If he isn’t sleeping the day away, he’s either pacing or just sitting and staring at the wall.  Some days, the television occupies his brain, while others, he couldn’t be less interested.

The most unnerving, for me personally.. he smells different.  Something so purely familiar, gone!

My confidence in my ability to care for him wavers when I allow myself to feel so disconnected from him.

And then he shows me a glimpse of my Randy.  He shows me gratitude.

 He thanks me everyday after we get him showered and dressed.  He thanks me after I’ve served him a meal or taken him somewhere.  After I shave his head and trim his beard.  

“Thank you for everything”

He knows I am his person.  He knows he is safe with me.  He knows I take care of him and for that, I am grateful. 

Till the end Big Guy, till the end.

Cheers💜