Loving and Living Alzheimer’s

So many changes.  He seems to be spiraling downward at an alarming pace.   I’m fascinated and in dis-belief, in unison.  My mind can’t accept that this is possible.  How can a person be completely different in the span of a week?  Yes, I ask myself this question frequently but my awe is unending. He can no longer do anything by himself.  God Bless him, as he tries to be helpful.  He relies wholly and completely on me. I am filled with sorrow for the man he used to be.  For the man he is becoming.  The man he feared becoming. He does not know my name or my association to him.  A deeper level of lost, getting worse each day.  I have become the nice lady he belongs with. He is largely non verbal.  He spends most of the day silent.  When he does try to communicate, it is in vain.  Nothing he says makes sense.  Thankfully, he no longer becomes angry when he struggles. He has swapped that anger for his own sorrow. He n...

It finally happened  As of late , he can’t tell me my name, when asked.   If I ask him if my name is Melissa, he tells me “she’s not here”. When I tell him I’m Melissa, he responds with “cool”. Weirdly, if someone else refers to me by name, he knows who they are speaking of. I’ve begun asking him how we are related.  He just shrugs and smiles.   Am I your Mother? “No, I don’t have one”. (True, Mom passed from this horrible disease in 2001) Am I your Wife?  “No, she’s not here”. We are married.  “That’s awesome!” He has even gone so far as to throw his arm around my shoulder and tell me what a good sister I am.  (He has no sisters) And again, if someone else asks about his Wife, he knows it’s me. This disease fascinates me.. when it’s not destroying everything we had, little by little. Over the weekend, Randy stayed with his Dad and Stepmom. When I arrived to pick him up, he was napping.  So as not to startle him, I softly sat beside him and rubbed...

 So many changes in our little piece of the world. I am working from home now.  Our youngest moved home a few months ago and Randy’s cousin departed a little over 2 weeks ago. Being home 24-7 is surprisingly enjoyable and the Mr is so much happier.  Almost zero episodes of angry hostility.  No attempts at escape.  He’s polite and asks permission to do anything. In spite of the peace and calm, I have found I am struggling to blog.  I’ve attempted on several occasions and the words don’t come.  My thoughts are jumbled.  What is my message?  What do I want to share?  Who am I helping?  Am I helping? Things are better than they have been in quite some time.  But, they are not.  Therein lies the dilemma.  I suspect as caregivers, this is a common crossroad.   We have peace.  He is happy.  He is passive and easy to please.  He’s obedient.  He’s a child.  My child. He can’t put his feet into his...

I have been told that Alzheimer’s patients often become the polar opposite of who they once were, when the disease really takes hold. I had hoped this would not be the case with Randy.  That hope was in vain. I never expected he could be capable of such rage.  Such hatred, even for fleeting moments.  Doubted he would ever become physically violent.  I had so much hope. We have experienced a very volatile couple of weeks.  Fits, yelling, pouting and yes, escape!  Threats and physical aggressiveness.  We were seemingly stuck in a daily cycle of calm, agitation and then pure rage, resulting in departure.  Genuine fear for our safety and his.   He is suffering, in a daily repetition of emotion and confusion.  The meds aren’t working and his Doctor isn’t listening….ignoring the urgency of our situation.  Hope seems lost. He became so out of control that I was forced to take measures I had dreaded.  He fled once more, rambling and ou...

What a great time I had.  I have just returned from a wonderful weekend of wine and laughter.  Made so many new friends.  It was perfect! And, most likely, my last.   I was a bit torn…torn between feeling guilty and nervous about leaving Randy yet feeling so much excitement about having a carefree weekend. Fleeting time…After 4 years, we are finally entering the stages I have feared the most. In the span of one week, Randy has lost the ability to do anything without assistance.  ANYTHING. Coherent sentences are 100% gone.  He has begun seeing people who aren’t there, which scares him.  He forgets he has eaten and eats again.  Or…swears he has eaten when he has not.   He has to be told to do most things that should be automatic.  To shower.  To brush his teeth. To dress. To put his pajamas on.   Home is his safe haven.  Boredom consumes him but outings are almost too much.  No matter how badly he wants to get out, he i...

I know we have not seen the worst of this ugly disease.  I remind myself of this daily.  “Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy and rough ride”… my mantra. Yet, no amount of prep softens the blow of the next transition. Today he hates me.   I have never seen this amount of rage in him.  I can literally feel the disdain his brain has made reality.   I have never been more broken… Oddly enough, I recognize that this is just a repeat of the last time I felt this damaged by his behavior.  I will be here again, feeling as if it’s never been so horrible.  The tears will dry and the ugly words forgiven. His routine has been altered.  Recent changes are simply too much for him to process.  He blames me. “You know what you are doing” “Stay away from me” “Shut up” All little daggers of shrapnel from his mental wounds.  The only weapons he has at his disposal.  They certainly carry some firepower. Steps have been taken this week to prepare (some...

Such a strange ebb and flow this week.  Randy is primarily happy however, every moment has potential disaster lurking just beneath the surface.   I follow and participate in 2 support groups on FB.  I’ve read all the posts regarding stage idiosyncratic behaviors but seeing him exude them is startling. Empathy is a lost emotion to him.  I totaled our car last weekend (no injuries other than my pride).  I called him a few minutes after it happened.  He wasn’t concerned or fazed.  No fear.  No anger.  Nothing. He goes from sleeping till noon one day to waking at dawn and not being able to stop for a moment the next.   When he’s manic, he finds so many irrational reasons to be angry.   There are cardboard boxes in the garage I won’t let him pile dirty clothes on our bed Making him brush his teeth Not allowing him to wear the same outfit EVERY DAY I won’t let him change the bottled water jug BEFORE it’s empty I know that deep in his mind...