Sorrow

So many changes.  He seems to be spiraling downward at an alarming pace.  

I’m fascinated and in dis-belief, in unison.  My mind can’t accept that this is possible.  How can a person be completely different in the span of a week?  Yes, I ask myself this question frequently but my awe is unending.

He can no longer do anything by himself.  God Bless him, as he tries to be helpful.  He relies wholly and completely on me.

I am filled with sorrow for the man he used to be.  For the man he is becoming.  The man he feared becoming.

He does not know my name or my association to him.  A deeper level of lost, getting worse each day.  I have become the nice lady he belongs with.

He is largely non verbal.  He spends most of the day silent.  When he does try to communicate, it is in vain.  Nothing he says makes sense.  Thankfully, he no longer becomes angry when he struggles.

He has swapped that anger for his own sorrow.

He now, for no apparent reason, becomes sad and scared.  I think I hate this the most.  Seeing his tear filled eyes and his inability to tell me why.  

I can only try to fathom (on such a minute scale) what his world looks and feels like.  

Each day is a repetitive series of..

What’s your name?.. he accepts my answer but is clearly unsure if it’s correct

“I think I know you” (or him or her).. he thinks he knows every stranger, everywhere we go

“I want my dad”.. this one kills me

“I want to go home”.. whether he’s with me or Dad

“Ok, I’m going to go now”.. but can’t tell me where he is going

He is completely lost in his failing mind.  Trying to sort out his reality.  Living in a home he doesn’t understand, belongs to him.

I do my best to soothe him and reassure him that with me is where he belongs and I will always take care of him.  He accepts this and it does comfort him a bit.  

However… his eyes tell me he’s unsure of even that.

What I feel in these moments is so much more than sorrow.  I’m pissed off!  I’m scared!  This isn’t fair!  I should not be a nursemaid to my spouse!  A husband is supposed to be a provider for his wife! (Go ahead and cringe at that one.  I am aware of how deep that selfish statement cuts.)

I’m not proud of these moments.  As I’ve written before, sometimes I allow myself to sink into my own pity.  Maybe it’s a release or some sort of justification to be weak… just for a moment.

Then I revisit all of the things I am angry about and realize, if the tables were turned, I would want for nothing.  He would do this for me.  

Furthermore, if he had it his way, we would be living the life we thought we’d be living at this point in our lives.

So, we’ll deal with our sorrow as it comes.  His and mine.  

Then we will keep on trying to keep the sadness at bay so that his good days continue to outweigh his bad days.  

I got you Big Guy… Always

Cheers 💜