Loving and Living Alzheimer’s

What a great time I had.  I have just returned from a wonderful weekend of wine and laughter.  Made so many new friends.  It was perfect! And, most likely, my last.   I was a bit torn…torn between feeling guilty and nervous about leaving Randy yet feeling so much excitement about having a carefree weekend. Fleeting time…After 4 years, we are finally entering the stages I have feared the most. In the span of one week, Randy has lost the ability to do anything without assistance.  ANYTHING. Coherent sentences are 100% gone.  He has begun seeing people who aren’t there, which scares him.  He forgets he has eaten and eats again.  Or…swears he has eaten when he has not.   He has to be told to do most things that should be automatic.  To shower.  To brush his teeth. To dress. To put his pajamas on.   Home is his safe haven.  Boredom consumes him but outings are almost too much.  No matter how badly he wants to get out, he i...

I know we have not seen the worst of this ugly disease.  I remind myself of this daily.  “Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy and rough ride”… my mantra. Yet, no amount of prep softens the blow of the next transition. Today he hates me.   I have never seen this amount of rage in him.  I can literally feel the disdain his brain has made reality.   I have never been more broken… Oddly enough, I recognize that this is just a repeat of the last time I felt this damaged by his behavior.  I will be here again, feeling as if it’s never been so horrible.  The tears will dry and the ugly words forgiven. His routine has been altered.  Recent changes are simply too much for him to process.  He blames me. “You know what you are doing” “Stay away from me” “Shut up” All little daggers of shrapnel from his mental wounds.  The only weapons he has at his disposal.  They certainly carry some firepower. Steps have been taken this week to prepare (some...

Such a strange ebb and flow this week.  Randy is primarily happy however, every moment has potential disaster lurking just beneath the surface.   I follow and participate in 2 support groups on FB.  I’ve read all the posts regarding stage idiosyncratic behaviors but seeing him exude them is startling. Empathy is a lost emotion to him.  I totaled our car last weekend (no injuries other than my pride).  I called him a few minutes after it happened.  He wasn’t concerned or fazed.  No fear.  No anger.  Nothing. He goes from sleeping till noon one day to waking at dawn and not being able to stop for a moment the next.   When he’s manic, he finds so many irrational reasons to be angry.   There are cardboard boxes in the garage I won’t let him pile dirty clothes on our bed Making him brush his teeth Not allowing him to wear the same outfit EVERY DAY I won’t let him change the bottled water jug BEFORE it’s empty I know that deep in his mind...

No theme to this one.  Just thoughts of the little nuances of our week. Each new day brings a different version of our guy.  Happy, sad, angry, tired.  Who knows.  The sun rises and we buckle up for whatever emerges. We’ve run the gamut these past several days.  First part of the week we had Neuro appointments and an MRI.  (Very apprehensive about these results). Doctors visits always prompt the driving restriction issue, which results in a mad fit about how unfair it is.  After the MRI, Randy expressed how excited he was and that he “hopes it worked”.   Another crack in my heart knowing he thinks he can be cured. Mid week, he was an absolute BEAST!  Sleeping an average of  15 hours.  On Wednesday he was fighting mad when Pop came to pick him up for his usual overnighter.  He just wanted to sleep.  He just wanted to be left alone.  He was actually a bit scary, which is shocking to see in our gentle giant, each time it...

Strangers are beginning to notice he’s impaired.  Simple exchanges and activities require repetitive direction or questions.  It’s happening before our eyes and it’s excruciating. At diagnosis, Randy was given 6-9 years.  There are 7 stages of Alzheimer’s progression.  Stage 6 having 5 sub stages (a-e) and Stage 7 having 6 (a-f).   As we approach then end of year 4, Randy is textbook Stage 6c.  Acknowledging this is shocking.  I’m torn between fearing this torture will go on for far too long and panic that we have so little time left. In just a weeks time, he is so much more confused and bewildered by everyday tasks.  His inability to comprehend any instruction given is off the charts.  Anything that requires multi-tasking is virtually impossible.   We have been trying to tame a feral kitten for a little over a month now.  When hand feeding with one hand , she will reluctantly allow us to pet her with the other.  Randy can...

I feel like this is the most accurate description of our journey, at this point.   Lost.. Random items.  Currently, his wallet.  As usual, it’s my fault.  Accusations of my thievery, pouting and then the silent treatment…I might not mind the silent part. (Located the wallet, at Pop’s, under the bed.  Logical place for it.) Lost.. His ability to ask a question and remember he asked the question by the time it is answered.  His short term memory is almost non-existent.  God forbid his question prompts a question on the recipients part.  Abbott and Costello would appreciate the “who’s on first” exchange this prompts. Lost.. His understanding of how to operate simple household appliances and electronics.  He can no longer use the washer, the dishwasher, the coffeemaker, the microwave and, at times, the tv remote.  It is truly painful to watch him struggle to help with these mundane tasks. Lost.. His concept of time.  Time on a clock. ...

So many changes, as the newly adjusted med levels are taking affect. First few days were ugly and hostile.  I’m no longer the bad guy (as much) but, I am his trigger to anger.  I am still trying to come to terms with this new role I play. Otherwise, he is now on a manic happy high.  He sleeps a lot less and talks non stop.  (5 year child old non-stop!).   And he is reminiscing. Not intentionally of course.  His mind is simply full of all of the fun and cool things he has done.  He is desperate to tell his tales to all who will listen. Specifically, me. We have a picture of his Mother on her wedding day, above our fireplace.  He told me she is his wife.  I nod as my heart cracks a little more.  I gently tell him that yes, that is his Mother the day she became a wife. He then launched into excitedly telling me stories about places he has gone with his wife.  Telling me our stories, as if I was not part of them. Our stories… He has don...