Sad

Strangers are beginning to notice he’s impaired.  Simple exchanges and activities require repetitive direction or questions.  It’s happening before our eyes and it’s excruciating.

At diagnosis, Randy was given 6-9 years.  There are 7 stages of Alzheimer’s progression.  Stage 6 having 5 sub stages (a-e) and Stage 7 having 6 (a-f).  

As we approach then end of year 4, Randy is textbook Stage 6c.  Acknowledging this is shocking.  I’m torn between fearing this torture will go on for far too long and panic that we have so little time left.

In just a weeks time, he is so much more confused and bewildered by everyday tasks.  His inability to comprehend any instruction given is off the charts.  Anything that requires multi-tasking is virtually impossible. 

 We have been trying to tame a feral kitten for a little over a month now.  When hand feeding with one hand , she will reluctantly allow us to pet her with the other.  Randy can’t seem to grasp the coordination of actively using both hands, simultaneously, and ends up feeding with one hand and petting the feeding hand with his other hand.  He is so proud.

I just feel sad…

He stayed with his Dad a couple of nights this week.  I now make it a point to call him daily, to check in and see how he’s doing.  First thing he asks me is “where am I?”.  It is clear to me that he knows he’s with dad.  He is quite comfortable there and has his own space. The question he is asking, I believe, is asked with the only sentence he can come up with. While the sentence spoken is a valid question, I feel it’s not the question he meant to ask.  I don’t press for the real meaning, as the answer I provide seems satisfactory.  An accomplished exchange in his mind.

I feel sad…

Clothing boggles his mind.  We purchased some new shorts and tee’s this week.  Getting him to try them on was an ordeal.  If he is given a shirt, he inevitability turns it inside out before putting it on.  When asked to try on shorts, he tries to remove his shirt.  Referencing clothing items as tops vs bottoms or shorts vs pants only result in blank stares.

Just sad…

On Thursday, he insisted that Dad take him to see a friend.   En route to see said friend, Dad calls me to check in. I terminate their little road trip as I explain that the friend he is desperate to see, passed last October.  This was a significant loss for him.  He has no recollection of her passing.

Sad…

Costco trip over the weekend.  I always ask him to push the cart, (he’s harder to lose if attached to an object) while I pull.  Every couple of minutes, I feel the weight of the cart increase and know he has let go.  I round him up and continue on.  Oddly enough, if I ask him to come to me without the cart, he will not let go of the cart.  I repeat my request.  He approaches with cart.  I ask again, differently.  He tells me, in a distressed manner “ I don’t know what you want me to do”.

…

He’s fading.  My man-child cannot be taught.  I’m not sure how to keep going.  Until he smiles that goofy grin.  

He’s not sad.  

He’s happy on this particular cycle and eager to participate.  So, we repeat the instructions.  Show him how to execute whatever task he’s set on completing.  We even create tasks in order to include him.  Along the way, we boost him up by telling him what a great job he is doing.  Telling him how helpful he’s being and how grateful we are.

Sad simply cannot win.  Not yet, anyway.  There will plenty of time for sad when the dust settles.  Today is not that day. 

Live for the “today’s”

Cheers💜