Reminiscing

So many changes, as the newly adjusted med levels are taking affect.

First few days were ugly and hostile.  I’m no longer the bad guy (as much) but, I am his trigger to anger.  I am still trying to come to terms with this new role I play.

Otherwise, he is now on a manic happy high.  He sleeps a lot less and talks non stop.  (5 year child old non-stop!).  

And he is reminiscing.

Not intentionally of course.  His mind is simply full of all of the fun and cool things he has done.  He is desperate to tell his tales to all who will listen.

Specifically, me.

We have a picture of his Mother on her wedding day, above our fireplace.  He told me she is his wife.  I nod as my heart cracks a little more.  I gently tell him that yes, that is his Mother the day she became a wife.

He then launched into excitedly telling me stories about places he has gone with his wife.  Telling me our stories, as if I was not part of them.

Our stories…

He has done this twice now.  I knew it was coming and I know there will be more of this.  Experiencing it for the first time is….

I can’t even think of a fitting word.  

These episodes are in-frequent, thus far.  He knows who I am, who we are, most of the time.  Even in these brief moments where the pieces get mixed up, he knows I am his person.

Now the vicious cycle of me trying to digest how this makes me feel and then remembering, it’s not about me, one more time.  I’ve written this before.  You will most certainly read it again in the future.

Why is it so hard to let him live in his memories?  To let him share his stories of his life?  If it is bringing him joy, is it really hurting anyone?

I had a gut wrenching, tearful, epiphany while writing this.  

As a human beings, I believe our biggest fear is to become irrelevant, to anyone, for any reason.  An accessory.  A seemingly insignificant piece to someone you’ve shared any part of your life with.  Being erased is painful.  Alzheimer’s makes this fear feel like reality.

The epiphany…all of the wonderful things he is reminiscing about are because none of it was insignificant. It is his entire world.

Embrace the reminiscence…. It truly is a wonderful thing.

#memoriesmatter

Cheers💜