Loving and Living Alzheimer’s

So many changes, as the newly adjusted med levels are taking affect. First few days were ugly and hostile.  I’m no longer the bad guy (as much) but, I am his trigger to anger.  I am still trying to come to terms with this new role I play. Otherwise, he is now on a manic happy high.  He sleeps a lot less and talks non stop.  (5 year child old non-stop!).   And he is reminiscing. Not intentionally of course.  His mind is simply full of all of the fun and cool things he has done.  He is desperate to tell his tales to all who will listen. Specifically, me. We have a picture of his Mother on her wedding day, above our fireplace.  He told me she is his wife.  I nod as my heart cracks a little more.  I gently tell him that yes, that is his Mother the day she became a wife. He then launched into excitedly telling me stories about places he has gone with his wife.  Telling me our stories, as if I was not part of them. Our stories… He has don...

Recovering from COVID.  Today is day 9 for me.  I’m exhausted, chest still tight, head cloudy and don’t get me started on this cough. Randy spent the first 7 days at his Dad’s, as we felt it was best to keep him healthy. He handled it beautifully which honestly, was a surprise.  He understood I was sick and was very worried about me.  He called just about everyone and expressed his concern.  He also understood why he had to stay away.  He was in the greatest mood all week. I was afforded the opportunity to rest and it was awful and wonderful, all at the same time. He is home now and I am the enemy. It’s been two days… TWO!!  He has completely forgotten how much he missed me.  How desperately he wanted to come home.  He only knows I am the reason he has “nothing”. When an item is misplaced he storms in to tell Nette that I’ve stolen and hidden his stuff from him. He literally TELLS ON ME… Did I mention, Nette is now the Mesiah.  (If you d...

Frontotemperal Lobe Dementia…. Because Early Onset Alzheimer’s wasn’t enough. Finally saw our new Neuro.  Randy could not get one answer right, verbally or mimicking, not one.  This has never happened but, knew one day we would arrive here. Due to the behavioral and memory deterioration in such a short period of time, Frontotemperal Lobe Dementia is the logical assumption. It fits his age, his demeanor, his symptoms.  I cannot figure out how to digest this new information. This changes everything yet changes nothing.  Do we have less time?  Will he be even more difficult?  Will the path be any different?  The end remains the same.  All of the unknowns I am struggling with are irrelevant. I’m sad and overwhelmed and have no other analogy to describe my train and it’s derailment. I’m short and snippy.  Almost punishing him for what he cannot control.  What he never asked for.  For what we both fear the most… the unknown hell that awai...

So, I have been asked to try to blog weekly, as there are followers who would enjoy (for lack of a better word), more frequency.  The word “try” seemed to resonate. “Trying is the lowest amount of effort a person can put forth”  Not sure where I read that, or by whom it was written but, it has stuck with me.  In most situations, I have found this to hold true. Alzheimer’s has changed my perspective… Randy tries to help around the house.  Folding laundry, that I have to refold (you feel me ladies), vacuuming part of a room, taking the garbage out but not bringing the bin back in, etc.  There is a sweetness to his desire to contribute.   He tries to get dressed without changing 3-4 times.  He tries to brush his teeth with his own toothbrush (😑).  He tries to eat, while lying (not sitting) in bed, without dropping food on his shirt.  He tries to remain independent. An added twist is he tries to hide his wallet and spare change so that no one co...

As I lie here, listening to what sounds like a war zone outside, I think about what we’ve endured in 2021 and prior.  And fear 2022… Will this chapter leave us with more blessings than sorrows?  I feel the scales tipping toward the latter. Our “high” has ended.  With that ending, we have our first glimpse of delusions.  I am learning that my education in navigating this road is so very far from over. Randy has returned to a grouchy, angry state.  He almost seems to be spoiling for a fight, looking for the next opportunity to prove he is right.  He is demanding and the fits of injustice and unfairness are frequent.  His depression is creeping back in and the sadness adds a weight to the air.  The hollow in his expression screams of loss. He is now unable to dress himself.  Physically, he can get the job done.  Mentally, he is unable to complete the task without assistance.   He is beginning to struggle to remember people.  He kn...