Chapters

As I lie here, listening to what sounds like a war zone outside, I think about what we’ve endured in 2021 and prior.  And fear 2022…

Will this chapter leave us with more blessings than sorrows?  I feel the scales tipping toward the latter.

Our “high” has ended.  With that ending, we have our first glimpse of delusions.  I am learning that my education in navigating this road is so very far from over.

Randy has returned to a grouchy, angry state.  He almost seems to be spoiling for a fight, looking for the next opportunity to prove he is right.  He is demanding and the fits of injustice and unfairness are frequent.  His depression is creeping back in and the sadness adds a weight to the air.  The hollow in his expression screams of loss.

He is now unable to dress himself.  Physically, he can get the job done.  Mentally, he is unable to complete the task without assistance.  

He is beginning to struggle to remember people.  He knows the face and gets a small spark of recognition but a gentle push is required to make the connection.

One part of his mind KNOWS what he has lost.  Is losing.  He mourns and I feel broken and helpless.

Another part of his mind is in denial.  This denial has created an alternate universe where reality simply doesn’t exist.

In this new, fun filled chapter, he expresses great relief to know that he does not, in fact, have Alzheimer’s and is getting his license back.  This declaration is followed by him showing us page after page of written conversation he has been having with a Doctor, via phone, stating these wonderful facts.

There are no conversations or dialogue.  The screens he scrolls through are never the same.  They are simply random Facebook posts, old texts or sometimes his phone book.

The first occurrence of this delusion happened Christmas weekend, in a room full of extended family.  Randy was glowing with joy.  I was crushed.

While I excused myself to release the tears and gather some clarity, the family lovingly gave him his dignity.  As he gushed happily about how he can get on with his life now and all the things he is going to do, everyone smiled and played along.

Do I allow him to believe the lies his brain has conjured?  Do I break his heart over and over with the truth?  Is there a right or wrong answer?

My conclusion….

This chapter is about protecting him from his disease.  It is not about making it easier for me.  It’s about handling his fragile brain with kid gloves.  Today… we will believe his delusions, if it is what’s best for him.  Tomorrow… that might not be the case.  Day by day, step by step, navigation will be based on what nurtures his heart and keeps him safe.

My revelation…

Every one of us are going through something.  Our paths are 
just littered with different obstacles.  Some obstacles give us character and some leave us scarred.  It all comes down to how you navigate.  What you choose to nurture.  What you choose to keep safe.

Cheers to the next chapter♥️















Comments

  1. Darlene Bodiford-BaillieJanuary 1, 2022 at 3:44 PM

    I do not have the ability to tell you how much I admire you and YOUR ability to express yourself during these trying times. I am just grateful that you have such an ability. Hopefully it allows you some comfort and hopefully it gives comfort to others in the same situation. Love you .

    ReplyDelete

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