Loving and Living Alzheimer’s

I am happy to report we are still flying on a high of happiness.  Randy has been in such a great place for over a month now.  It’s been such a peaceful and needed change.  As I’ve said before, I dread the end of the high he is on but will do my best to enjoy it. He has returned from his solo travels safely but not without a few glitches.  Due to no fault of his own, these will be his last.   Southwest Airlines just can’t seem to get the “traveler assistance” concept right.  His return to California from Denver was chaotic and scary.  They assisted him off the plane and to a secure location without informing anyone.  It took over an hour, numerous people and several trips through security, down to baggage claim (he only had a carry on), and repeat, before he was located.  He was frantic and near tears, as was my cousin, who was trying to collect our precious cargo. Amazingly, after his fear and anger subsided, he was back on his happy high. ...

 It’s been over a month since we’ve experienced a meltdown. Should I dare to hope that this version of Randy is the one I’ll get to keep for the duration?  My mind tells me I’m being naive but a girl can dream… I have recently been overcome by a tremendous urgency to get Randy traveling before it’s too late.  He has been anxious to get out of the house and see family out of state.  The dilemma is not having vacation time to take him. After much thought and panic (mother-mode), I decided to let him travel alone.  Alone being, straight, short flights.  This was a scary decision but deep down, a small part of me had faith that he could do it. Much like allowing children to travel unaccompanied, special arrangements needed to be made.  I reached out to our tribe for assistance and, as always, they came through with flying colors. The airlines were notified of his mental impairment, buddy passes were obtained so the King could be accompanied through securit...

Going on our 3rd week of peaceful existence.  The change has been wonderful.  Randy has been happy, playful and mellow.  Why am I subconsciously waiting for the storm? I should be grateful… Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we are hosting 20.  It also happens to be Randy’s birthday.  I am thrilled to be able to surround him with family to celebrate “55”.  He is blessed to get another birthday.  I wonder how many more he will see. I need to be grateful… We have kept his calendar pretty full, as he is happiest when he is busy.  He struggles to remember when he has plans but never forgets that he indeed has them.  Giving him things to look forward to motivates him.  However, it also prompts the never ending repetitious loop of the same questions. It’s hard to be grateful… Daily, his communication skills become more and more cryptic.  One more time, he asks to “ go to the place, that we went that time, where we can get the thing from that gu...

The last week and a half has been surprisingly peaceful and pleasant.  We had that prior weekend of terrible and then settled into this new place.   Anxious moments have certainly happened, as they are the normal way of things but, Randy has been navigating quite well.   Shirts have been put on inside out and sometimes backwards, socks on inside out or heel up.  Items have been misplaced or lost.  The TV remote isn’t quite as easy to use as he remembered.  All of these triggers are continuing to happen but, he remains calm a pleasant.  He has even gone as far as to willingly ask for help on the occasion he recognizes his struggle. We were blessed to have been invited to speak at an Alzheimer’s educational event this week.  I was nervous as I contemplated what my contribution would sound like.  Randy was calm and confident that it would all go well.   True to his prediction, the evening went well.  He was all smiles and giggles while...

It has been 3 1/2 years since Randy’s last day of work.  3 years and 3 months since his misdiagnosis .  3 years and 1 month since he has driven a vehicle.  2 years and 10 months since being given the correct diagnosis that has altered our lives, forever. While we wait for our referral for a new Neurologist, it is a daily crap shoot in regards to what will be his next trigger.  His next meltdown, fit or verbally abusive rant.  He is suffering.  We are suffering.  The only option is to tread lightly while we wait however, we have become quite comfortable with letting him “pout it out”. His confusion has increased exponentially and his inability to express his wants and needs verbally, is the cause of much angst.  He is diminishing before my eyes.  He has frequent headaches and head pressure.  His shrinking brain is erasing who he is.  Who he was.  What we had.   He is now beginning to exhibit a form of confusion that could b...

 This disease is cruel. Cruel like I have never experienced. Randy is my second husband.  My first was a classic narcissist who deceived me at every turn and skillfully made me believe it was my fault.  He lied and he cheated and for a time, he broke me.  He was cruel to me, I now know, because he was a coward. Alzheimer’s is a worse kind of cruel. Randy came into our lives 16 1/2 years ago.  This kind, gently, funny man.  He gave my children the chance to see how a man should love their mother.  He gave me the chance to see my children get unconditional love from a father. He gave our granddaughters a Papa. The cruelty of Alzheimer’s, while slowly erasing, is robbing us of his gifts. His demeanor has been changing and altered this past week.  The weekend was truly one of the worst….ever. Fits every single time he doesn’t get what he wants or his way.  Rage is his emotion and it’s frightening.  My mind knows it’s the disease.  My he...

 I have often commented about how painfully aware Randy is about his illness, quietly wishing he were oblivious to that knowledge.  Those quiet wishes sometimes have an odd way of coming true.   Blessing?  Curse?  Alzheimer’s always seems to be a twisted blend of both. Almost daily, he now asks me what he has.  When will it go away, how did he get it, why would his Mom pass something so terrible to him, what does the diagnosis mean, etc… Every time he asks, l search my mind for better answers.  As if a new response will stick in his dying brain.  The answers don’t have to be correct, they simply have to calm his confusion. His newfound ignorance to his circumstances do not bring me comfort, as I hoped it would.  I thought that relieving his anguished, painful knowledge of the truth would be one of the blessings I was searching for.  I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong, less emotional pain for him is a wonderful thing.  I want that relie...