Cruel

 This disease is cruel.

Cruel like I have never experienced.

Randy is my second husband.  My first was a classic narcissist who deceived me at every turn and skillfully made me believe it was my fault.  He lied and he cheated and for a time, he broke me.  He was cruel to me, I now know, because he was a coward.

Alzheimer’s is a worse kind of cruel.

Randy came into our lives 16 1/2 years ago.  This kind, gently, funny man.  He gave my children the chance to see how a man should love their mother.  He gave me the chance to see my children get unconditional love from a father. He gave our granddaughters a Papa.

The cruelty of Alzheimer’s, while slowly erasing, is robbing us of his gifts.

His demeanor has been changing and altered this past week.  The weekend was truly one of the worst….ever.

Fits every single time he doesn’t get what he wants or his way.  Rage is his emotion and it’s frightening.  My mind knows it’s the disease.  My heart simply needs more time to adjust.

Sunday, he struggled throughout the day.  Anxious, confused, wanting what he couldn’t have.  At one point he came to me out of the blue, yelling and pounding his chest claiming I was keeping “it” from him.   Claiming I had never told him about his Alzheimer’s.  Then he proceeded to tell me what a F****** B****  I am. Over and over and over and…

Cruel

If you know this man, you know he has NEVER spoken to me like this.  EVER!

He stayed in the spare room that night.  He was restless and up and down.  In and out of the room several times.  At each pass of our bedroom, he would pause to ensure that I knew I was indeed, still a B****.

Cruel

Finally, he slept.  Finally, I tried to sleep what little I could before having to get up and go to work.  I gave him his meds and left silently.  I cried on my way to work.  I cried at work several times.  I cried on the drive home.

Cruel

He was waiting for me in the driveway.  As I pulled in, he spoke to me through the glass.  “Are you mad at me?”  I got out of the car and replied “I’m not mad, I’m hurt by the terrible things you called me”.  His look on his face told me 2 things…

I saw shame and embarrassment, as he had no recollection of saying these things to me.  And, I was being cruel.

Cruel to remind him of his actions.  Cruel to attempt to hold my man child accountable for his actions, as if he could learn and grow through it.

This disease is cruel.  In a weird way merciful because he doesn’t remember his atrocities.  Cruel because I do.

As he slips further, I remind myself to find a way to prepare for the next painful chapter.  To try to not take it so personally and toughen up.  My “child” will act out again and put another little crack in my heart.  I will heal.

My job is to protect him from the cruelty of all of this.  Protect him from the shame and despair.  Protect his heart from the little cracks.  While I will heal, he will not.

Alzheimer’s is cruel.  Alzheimer’s will make him act with cruelty.  

To protect his heart, I will be kind.

Cheers♥️