Grateful

Going on our 3rd week of peaceful existence.  The change has been wonderful.  Randy has been happy, playful and mellow.  Why am I subconsciously waiting for the storm?

I should be grateful…

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we are hosting 20.  It also happens to be Randy’s birthday.  I am thrilled to be able to surround him with family to celebrate “55”.  He is blessed to get another birthday.  I wonder how many more he will see.

I need to be grateful…

We have kept his calendar pretty full, as he is happiest when he is busy.  He struggles to remember when he has plans but never forgets that he indeed has them.  Giving him things to look forward to motivates him.  However, it also prompts the never ending repetitious loop of the same questions.

It’s hard to be grateful…

Daily, his communication skills become more and more cryptic.  One more time, he asks to “ go to the place, that we went that time, where we can get the thing from that guy”.  My confusion upsets him, momentarily, as he thinks I feign my lack of understanding.  Eventually, we reach the answer and lately, he seems to shake off our hiccups in a timely fashion.  This is refreshing.

I want to be grateful…

He has begun having nightmares again.  Usually accompanied by thrashing about or jerky body movements.  A soft call of his name and loving touch on the arm releases the monsters in his mind and settles his slumber.  His headaches, which were almost daily, have trickled to almost non-existence.

I have become so used to the wheels falling off our bus that my ability to cherish the positive is failing.  My promise to  make beautiful memories is tarnished.  I am reminded that, as a caregiver, if I don’t pay attention to how I bear the weight of this disease, I am blinding myself.. him.. us, to the realization of how lucky we really are.

He is genuinely happy.  He doesn’t know he is failing.  He is unable to recognize his mind, slipping backward into a juvenile state.  He simply wants to live his life and laugh at silly things.  He doesn’t need a worrisome matron to rain on his parade.  He wants to smile and have the world smile with him.  He needs this from me.

So, I write.  I blog.  I process all the weird thoughts, worries and observations that are swimming around in my brain.  Then, I read my words.  I identify my shortcomings.  I learn what needs to be done, just a little differently.  I gain clarity.
This is my self care.

And I am Grateful!

Cheers♥️

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