Starting Over

He has been gone 56 days.

Such a short period of time.  Feels like an eternity some days.

Being his widow brings a morphed form of guilt.  

Guilt because I'm living my best life... without him.  It feels like yet another betrayal.  The depths of the unfairness are almost staggering at times.

But others...

I'm Free.

I'm doing what I want, when I want with who I want.  Not answering to anyone.  I'm changing the house, my car, myself.  I've begun a new career.  I'm a girl again.  Not his caretaker or his mother.  Simply a girl. 

I've got trips planned.  Trips that he would have loved.  Trips he'll never get to take.  I've used the term "Bittersweet" on more than one occasion and each time it hits just a little bit differently.

This is what he wanted.  What we talked about.  We knew I would have to build a new life after he departed.  

And I am doing it!  I'm all in!  I'm the happiest I've been in more years than I can count.  There is so much beauty, awesome adventure and love in its purest form, before me.

And in spite of the moments where the guilt threatens to take it all away.... I know it's ok.

It's ok because death happens.  

Because life happens after loss.  

Because he told me it would be.

Pictures of a healthy Randy pop up on my social media memories and my heart swells with a mixture of pain and fondness of the man I loved.

Hearing his voice in those same memories feel like a punch to the chest.  A voice I haven't heard speak full, coherent sentences, in so many years.

The longing and mourning for the man he was, in these beautiful memorable moments, evokes the guilty feelings  because my mind is telling me I'm not grieving enough.  Not heartbroken enough.  Not making my world stop without him.

However, my mind also tells me that this is part of the caregiver/spouse/loved one's healing journey.  

We gave our all for so long.  The freedom from it's release is an interesting chapter to process and accept.

And it is ok.

Life is short and meant to be lived.  Sadly, many don't fully grasp this until tragedy strikes and is survived.

So, here I am.  Starting over.  Honestly enjoying life.  Socializing with old and new friends.  Paying more attention to ensuring my family feels loved and valued.  Reopening my heart.

Really listening to what the person I used to be, once upon a time before the scars, needs.

Because it really is ok.

Because he told me to.

Cheers💜








Comments

  1. AnonymousMay 28, 2023 at 8:25 PM

    Oh Melissa
    You have grieved since the diagnoses
    Your grief has been ongoing, you can’t expect grief to be the same as anyone else’s grief
    You have been a godsend to so many as you traveled this difficult journey
    Enjoy your life and smile as Randy would want you to be joyful
    Bless you
    🙏🏻💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🙏🏻

    ReplyDelete

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