Moments

 28 days....

He has been gone 28 days and I don't know how I feel.  Don't know how I  should be feeling.

Widowed...

Can't begin to wrap my brain around what this means,

What this is, 

What this says about me.

I've been grieving for well over 3 years.  Grieving as the love I married drifted away and was replaced by a love requiring maternal protection.

I have moments.  Moments where his absence brings me sadness.  Where his empty side of the bed provokes anger.  Where I plan for a future he never gets to see and the weight of how wrong that is almost swallows me.

And I feel guilt.  

Because I am eager to begin my future.  Because I am excited about what I see in front of me.

Guilt because I get to pursue a happy life while he had to lose his.

It is in these moments I have to remind myself how lucky  Randy and I were to have been afforded the opportunity to discuss what was coming, what he wished for... and how desperately he wanted me to find happiness again.

What an amazing gift he gave me.  In spite of all he was going to have to give up, to lose, instead of allowing bitterness to consume him, he gave me his blessing.

And with his blessing of permission to live again, I am able to understand two things:

1. The mixed emotions are normal, the guilt is normal, the regrets are normal.  It is all part of the process of letting go.

2. While all the "feeling" is normal, it is not normal to set up camp and live there.  (Yes, I have had at least 3 people say these exact words to me... nice heavenly nudge Mr. K♥️)

Grief is a strange process but a necessary one indeed.  The process heals your sorrow and opens you up to all the wonderful surprises life has in store for you.

Who knew that after all that this journey has delivered, the most awe inspiring acts of grace, kindness, self sacrifice and love would come from Randy himself.

What a lucky woman I am.

Cheers💜







Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 29, 2023 at 4:28 PM

    I love your words, your strength and your courage. You are loved so much Melissa. I hope to see you soon. Hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousApril 29, 2023 at 6:41 PM

    It’s time to take care of yourself💜
    You have given your all to your sweet husband💜
    Thank you so very much for sharing your story. So many have found refuge in knowing they aren’t the only one traveling this road.
    Bless You Melissa
    🙏🏻💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜🙏🏻

    ReplyDelete

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