Bitter

Yesterday he woke happy and playful.  Giggling and dancing.  Truly in a beautifully blissful place.

The morning and afternoon were effortless.  While not the Randy we all know, a version I was blessed to witness.

Evening was an entirely different story.  

My heart is so heavy with the transition of things.  Unfair and brutal.  Cruelty to a degree I've never seen.  Surprising because I think I've endured the worst .  Grief because I know I have not yet felt the depth of despair that is coming.

Bitterness is all I feel when I watch him suffer, unable to ease his pain.

He truly feared me today.  Not in the usual sense.  Not as if I was his tormentor.  More that he was not sure I provided safety and security.

He was afraid of our home.  Afraid to enter his bedroom.  Afraid of the "people" his broken mind was seeing in his haven.

His eyes were dark and daunting.  Roaming the hallway and kitchen.. stopping to stare into doorways or at nothing at all.

He found no solace in my presence.  Each time I tried to comfort him with the promise that I would keep him safe, I was met with a trembling "no".

My attempts to feed him.. "no"

Medicate him.. "no"

Lie him down to rest.. "no"

Tears in his eyes and distrust on his face.

Lost in the darkness of nothing familiar.  Nothing to grasp.  Nothing rooting him to this reality.

Hours it took to finally reach him.. the smallest part of him that still hung on to the core memories of us.  Who I am to him.  Who we were together.

Finally, he gave in to his need to rest.  Still unsettled, he allowed me to put him to bed.  

His mind continued to wage war on his ability to find peace, waking every few minutes, as I held his hand.  Shattered and tearful, I reminded him that I will always be here to care for him.

Eventually, sheer exhaustion won him over.  He slept soundly for the rest of the night.  

Slumber eluded me, vexation taking its place.  These are not the memories I want to plague my thoughts when he is gone from this world.  

I hate that I allow the bitterness to take hold in these moments where I feel the weakest.  I cannot protect him from the warped world he is a prisoner to.

And just when I feel the most powerless, a new day dawns. 

This morning it was as if yesterday never happened.  Smiles, giggles and dancing returned, with he none the wiser.

Such a wonder that the bitter can sweeten so easily... you just have to wait for the dawn.

Cheers💜