Episodes

Yesterday he forgot how to eat.  

I think of myself as well versed in regards to what is coming in the next 18 months.  I've read the textbook behaviors and struggles that are part of the normal decline.

Yet, when they happen, the shock and grief are overwhelming.  Maybe this is true in all of life's journeys when the ending is already known and I've just never paid attention.

Per normal Monday routine, Randy spends the afternoon with Julio (best knickname!).  Lunch and as much activity as he can tolerate, which is minimal. It was a good afternoon and I am told he ate well, with a bit of assistance.  One outing per week is generally it for him, as it wears him out.  He was happy and sound asleep by 7pm.

He woke around 7am yesterday morning, took his meds and drank a couple sips of coffee.  Back to sleep almost immediately.  He woke again at 10:30am and everything was off.  

Unable to speak words, just grunts in reply to my questions.  Glassy eyes, unable to focus on any object or person.  When asked if he was ready to eat, agreement came as a nod.

3 bites.  3 bites requiring instruction to chew for more than 2 seconds at a time.  3 bites requiring instruction as to when to swallow.  3 bites and then I was afraid he'd choke if I gave him more.

Back to deep slumber for him while I frantically wracked my brain as to who I could call and release my tears and fear, mid-day, on a Tuesday afternoon.

So many offer to lend and ear or shoulder and I am grateful however, I also try to be thoughtful in considering how I will be impacting someone's work day or emotional state when using one of these invaluable lifelines.

Thank you to Mrs Pickles (another EPIC knickname) for taking my call, gathering my broken pieces, even though 2500+ miles away, and reassembling them with the kindness and patience of a caregiver by profession and a chosen sister by heart.  

Thank you to Randy's RN, who explained while this is a first, he will likely bounce back to a bit more clarity.  These "episodes" as they are called, will begin to happen more frequently until he finally stops being able to eat at all.  Once again, time frame unknown.

He woke again at 6:30pm, expressed hunger and was only able to eat 5 bites this time before his safety again became a concern.  He then slept until 6:30 this morning.

Today, he is the Randy I woke up to on Monday.  Ate breakfast on his own.  In and out of bed.  Pacing and fidgeting without too much distress.  PB&J for lunch and smiles this afternoon.

What a bizarre, chaotic, heartbreaking, weirdly odd thing, is Alzheimer's.  A pointlessly desperate sorrow that evokes  an endurance and understanding you may never have been aware you were capable of.

While we wait for the next looming episode, I find comfort with the knowledge that my arsenal is aptly equipped.

And once again, Randy is none the wiser, able to travel this road blissfully unaware of what waits for him, without fear, shame or regret.

Cheers💜