Despair

Friday was his 56th birthday.  It held little significance for him overall, however he was jovial.  I even got a dance out of him when I sang him his birthday song.

The morning went smoothly.  He watched TV while I prepared a Turkey dinner for a us and couple of friends.  I really felt it was going to be peaceful day.

Until it wasn't...

While I will spare you the gory details, I was not prepared for the state in which I had found him.

He entered the kitchen distressed and trying to alert us he had made a mess.  It takes took only seconds to determine what had happened.  He was so confused but there was a part of him that understood he needed assistance.

Got him showered, floors cleaned and settled back into bed.

And then I had an epic meltdown.

When he was diagnosed, there were two things he was afraid of.  One was being bedridden, the other...this.

Why today?  This was supposed to be his day.  My heart broke a little bit more.  My soul is sad.  I was not prepared for this, even though I knew it was coming. 

I WAS NOT PREPARED...

"Ok, take a breath.  Pull yourself together.  It's going to be ok" (my mantra)

Once I got myself settled, I continued on with dinner prep and such. He was resting and I was grateful.

First guest arrived and out he came to offer greetings.... in the same state as he had been earlier!

Rinse and repeat...

Another meltdown.  I was consumed with grief, sadness and fear.  How are we here, seemingly over night?  How do I navigate this as our new normal?

The saving Grace is his oblivion to the day's occurrences.  Surprisingly I am able to see this as a blessing.  

I find it extremely coincidental that I had made the difficult decision to quit working, just last Monday.  It has just become too much to try to work from home and care for him.

Maybe it was women's intuition.  Maybe is was divine intervention.  Whatever it was, something told me it was time.

So much love and gratitude to our irreplaceable friends who joined us to celebrate him.  They jumped right in to give him the attention he needed... and me, the breather I needed.  (The 2nd meltdown may or may not have occurred in their presence).  They saved the day once they got me to let go and let them help.  

And special mention to my soul-sister who took my call during the first meltdown, cried with me and then got me laughing.  

(I love you all more than words can express)

We had a pleasant dinner, decorated for Christmas and trimmed the tree.  The remainder of the day was just as it had begun, as if nothing had happened.  

So, we have arrived.  The next phase of our journey.  Calls will be made and Palliative care will begin.   I will utilize my tribe, retain my sanity and carry on.

And he will be none the wiser.  For his dignity and his heart.  

**to my fellow care giver warriors who may be reading this...  Accept the help!  If you are lucky enough to have a tribe, let them love you both through it!

Cheers 💜