Why

"Everything happens for a reason"

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

"God only gives us what we can handle"

Why.....

I have never questioned my higher power more, in my life!  I have experienced tremendous loss but, this!  Dear God!  

I've lived through suicide, cancer (multiple times) and mental illness.  My brothers are gone.  My father and my uncle (beloved father figure) are both gone.  No grandparents.  

They were taken.  I grieve from time to time but the pain lessens.  I have made peace with these losses.

I suppose, one day after he is physically gone, I will find my peace with Randy's death. However, watching someone leave you slowly, day by day, over the span of years, is far more excruciating than sudden loss, in my opinion.

Grief comes and goes, like the ebb of the ocean.  While it subsides for moments, it returns like the crashing waves.  Some days, I can dive a little deeper and come out the other side, unscathed.  Others, I see it coming but can't avoid being pulled under and tumbled around before I can manage to free myself from its power.

Why....

He's here but he's not.  He is my spouse and he is a stranger.  He's almost non-verbal.  He wanders our home, room to room, not knowing what he is looking for or where he belongs.  When he's still, he stares at nothing.  For hours.

Why...

I don't understand why.

What is the purpose?  Where is the lesson?  Why the needless suffering?  It seems so pointless.

I ponder all of this as I reflect on a conversation my Son and I had recently.

It weighs heavy on him that I don't succumb to my sadness and cry.  It distresses him that he doesn't see me feel.  I'm not sure how witnessing a breakdown would benefit him but I know it would haunt him.

I feel plenty.  But, I don't lose myself to it.  Honestly, I don't think I can afford to surrender to it.  Not yet.

I'm the Mom, the caretaker.  I'm supposed to be the strong one.  I'm holding this s***show together for all of us.  Not by choice.  By necessity.  It's the burden I've been dealt.

In the end, this journey will feel like a fleeting moment.  The goal is to give Randy the best life I am able and protect my children (although grown) from despair and worry.  All while retaining my sanity.

I do things solely for me.  I do focus on self-care.  (Sometimes with a bit of guilt) I look, with hope, to a future filled with happiness.  I see it... waiting for me on the horizon.

So, while I don't know the "why", I know I will be ok.  I know the remainder of Randy's  journey will be filled with the utmost care and love.  I know I will protect my babies hearts, because it's not their job to worry.

And I suppose we aren't supposed to waste valuable time trying to understand the why.

Cheers💜