One day at a time..

So many new changes in such a short period.  (Lord, I think I’ve written that statement more times than I can count)

He is fearful quite often now.  Afraid of being alone.  Afraid of returning home after an outing.  Fearful of “trouble” that he can’t explain.  

Seeing him frightened is soul crushing.  

Fortunately, calming him is still fairly simple, with soothing tones, hand holding and reassurance that he is safe.

The routine exchange being my confirmation that I will always take care of him and never leave him.  His response of relief.  Does his brain genuinely believe that he will be left all alone?  

Just the thought of him carrying the weight of believing that this is a possibility, sucks the air out of my chest.

Along with this, he is recognizing less and less, how his loved ones fit in his world.  He knows we are his people but just how that relates, escapes him.

He sees his Dad twice weekly.  This last visit, he asked Pop (Dad) if he would take him to see his Dad.  While I’m certain this stung, Pop rolled with it and reminded him that he was coming to see me instead.  This diversion seemed to please him and they carried on, as usual.

Lately, he tells me that Melissa isn’t here.  I ask him who he thinks I am.  He shrugs, because he isn’t sure.  Then…. “I would very much like it if you’d be my Mother”.  My response, “if that would make you happy, you bet!”

We still share the same room, as he is still far to mobile to separate.  Most days, he doesn’t give it second thought.  

Until a few nights ago.  

As I was putting him to bed, a sheepish smile began to spread across his face.  (Easy Killer). It was quite clear that he was in awe and slightly giddy that we would actually sleep in the same bed.  

I asked him…”you don’t want to sleep in the same bed as me?”

His quick response… “HECK YEAH!!!”

We both giggled, he settled and fell asleep without incident.

There are times however, normally after waking in the morning or from a nap, where he is foggy.  His eyes are confused and his expression shows distress.  He will put his hand on me cheek and ask me over and over, “ is it you?”

I am not sure who he thinks I am but I tell him that “yes, it’s me”.  I’ll be anyone he needs me to be if it soothes his soul.

Some of these moments are hard.  They are all a little painful.  Surprisingly, some make me laugh.

I am rearing this grown child.  My words and tones suddenly carry more power.  He just wants to please me/us. He wants to hold my hand or lay his head in my lap, much like my babies used to.  

Some days I mourn.  Others, my maternal side gets a little warm and fuzzy and I reminded of the power being a Mother holds.

I have no idea who he’ll need me to be tomorrow.  

But, today, he’ll show me and I’ll adjust accordingly.

One day at a time….

Cheers💜