Fear

 I have been dreading this stage.  Seeing this gentle giant with fear in his eyes….so very, very sad.

He is on the cusp of becoming non-verbal and his mind is in a constant state of confusion.  He remembers his mother is gone yet, has begun asking to go to Grandpa’s.  Do I tell him Grandpa has passed or divert and spare him the loss?

I am still the “nice lady” (at least he still like me) when he forgets who I am.   His Dad fluctuates between Dad and his buddy Terry.  My mother however, is always Laurie (correct).  The things his mind can and cannot remember is fascinating, in a weird way.

Regardless of who we happen to be to him in the moment, he clings to us.  He isn’t quite sure but some small part of him still understands he belongs with us.

He doesn’t know this is home anymore.  He tells me he is leaving now or that he is ready to go now, several times per day.  Each time, as I explain that he is home, that this is the home he worked so hard to provide for us, his expression tells me he isn’t sure I’m being truthful.

He has not been violent or hostile since late April.  He is gentle and compliant.  He wants to please and often tells me he won’t run off or be naughty.  He wants to be a good boy.

Then, for no reason and with no warning…. Fear.

I ask him if he is confused.

“Yes”

I ask him if he is frightened.

“Yes”

Words cannot explain how it feels to see a scared child, when I look into his tearful eyes.  

I tell him he is safe with me.  I tell him not to be scared.  I tell him I will always be here to take care of him.

This, he believes.  This calms him.  Of all the things he cannot make sense of, this he knows.

Although, one day soon, he won’t.  

More fear.  

Fear I won’t be able to subside. Fear I won’t be able to soothe or calm.

But for now, I will nurture him like a mother does her child.  I will keep him safe and do my best to make him feel secure.  We will continue to create happy days and silly moments and hope the good days outnumber the bad.

Cheers💜