Doubt

 Doubt….about my ability to be the caregiver he deserves is the emotion today.

We had a pleasant mini vacay in Las Vegas over the weekend.  He enjoyed the trip, in spite of getting separated from our group twice.  Randy thanked me for the trip upon our return.  We were both exhausted.

The flight home?  A mere hour and  twenty minutes.  He asked several times, “ how much longer”, as if we’d flown coast to coast.

Doubt….about being able to travel with him much longer.

He stayed 2 nights with his Dad this week, per his normal routine.  Lately, I use those nights to escape home, making every effort and taking every opportunity to be anywhere but captive at home.  Out where I can be spontaneous and not be responsible for another human being.  Drinks, dinner, adult conversation with friends.  Trying to find my normalcy in a world outside home.

Doubt… about our home ever feeling like home again.

His stay with Dad came to an abrupt, hostile end only hours ago.  He called me at work furious that he wasn’t taken home when he asked.  (He didn’t ask).  Next came … you guessed it … another escape.

How he managed to get himself out of the gated community baffled me however, I’ve read over and over, Alzheimer’s patients can be pretty crafty.

He actually took his phone this time so I could track him to an approximate location.  On a ridge above a shooting range. Read that line again if it failed to make your heart race and your fear skyrocket, as it did mine.

Calling him did no good as he couldn’t give us enough information to pinpoint him.  His brain couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t see what he was seeing or understand what he was describing.

We finally found him.  Dehydrated, hot and tired.  He was calm, as I believe the relief that we found him overrode the anger which prompted his little adventure.  He knew he was finally, truly unable to find his way.

Doubt…in his ability to comprehend his surroundings to a manageable degree anymore.

Now, if you’ve ever lost a child in a mall, theme park, whatever, you know exactly the level of panic I felt.  I was in full “Mom mode”.  Sure that every terrible thing that could possibly happen to him, was indeed going to happen.  

Once he was safely found and on his way home with Dad, my emotions flooded.  My instincts have morphed from Wifely to Maternal.  Tears were shed.  My child was lost and I felt helpless.  

Doubt… that I have the ability to handle this level of fear, sorrow and stress.  

Doubt… that I am strong enough to do this over and over and over and….

He’s safely home now, almost certainly in bed, while Nette watches over him and keeps him safe.  

While I have many doubts, I accept that I may have overreacted.  I accept that I am not always going to be strong.  I accept my many fears and that I will stumble and be less than graceful.

Doubt….that he will ever lose faith that I will take care of him.

And, because of that

Doubt… that I will ever give up 

Cheers♥️