Uncertainty

 Today honestly made me question how I am going to do this.

I don’t know what to do with his anger.  His ugly words and threatening body language.  Who is this man?  Where is my guy?  

Smiles all morning and into the afternoon.  Then, he noticed that damn Oleander!  (If you’ve read my prior blogs, you know this is a HUGE issue for him).  The seemingly innocent hedge in our neighbors yard.  “It’s too tall”, “it grows over our fence”, “they grow it that way on purpose”.  Screaming profanities and pounding on the fence.

Caregiver response?  Redirection.  Apparently not today.  That fueled the fire.  Like throwing a full gas can on that fire!  Poor Nette had to endure a verbally abusive lashing. Then?  The great escape… Nette hops in the car to collect our fugitive, who greets her by throwing a full water bottle and a handful of rocks at the car.  Fearful that her presence will escalate the situation and possibly attract unwanted police attention, she returns home as he walks it off.

This all happens while I try to remain focused at work.  Which is virtually impossible so, for the first time, I call in the Calvary.  (God Bless Mr &Mrs G❤️). He is quickly located and reluctantly persuaded to get in the car.  They take him home with them and try to calm the Beast until I get off work.

He is ANGRY!  I hate everybody, angry!  Angry because he believes we are all in a coalition against him.  Angry because I am the boss and call the shots.  Shaking angry.  He is not in control of his own life and he knows it.

I arrive to gather him up only to piss him off even more. Another escape..  me chasing him down the block because he refuses to get in the car with me.  When I finally catch him and reach for his arm, he turns to me and tells me not to f****** touch him.  

For the first time I am genuinely afraid of him, for a split second.  In his right mind, he would be ashamed.  This realization stops the tears for the moment.  

It’s not personal….

God, it feels personal…

Uncertainty…

We are home now and he sleeps.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Better?  Who knows.  But, we are blessed to get one more day.

Cheers!

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